Être Ou Ne Pas Être

This was the view from the apartment my family stayed in.

     Hello to all my wonderful readers. It’s strange for me to write my blogs some weeks. I know that I have friends and family that are following my life, but yet every week I check over the statistics and the number of viewers grows more and more. I don’t know what it is that I am saying that is capturing so much attention, but all the same I want to thank all of you for your support.

     I wanted to clear up a few questions that I have been getting a lot of lately.

     I know that I got quite a lot of feedback concerning my decision of staying in Paris for another year, and the question I got asked most was “Why not? What is holding you back?” I wanted to clear up that I already made my decision. I think I have known for a while that I was going to work to stay another year, but there were a lot of things that I needed to figure out. 1) I am a student at the University of Utah, and I still have at least two years left before I have my degree. 2) My whole life I have lived in Utah with my family, and all this time I have helped to take care of my younger brother who has autism. I left my family during a really hard time, and my brother was (is) facing some trials that involved our whole family. I feel selfish for leaving my family during this struggle. There are several other factors that I needed to work out. Issues that are my own personal struggle, but I knew that the best place that I could be to figure out who I was as a person was to be out in the world on my own.

Train Station in Paris

     So what do I do now? Well I’m going to attempt to take courses online to finish school. It’s hard to think about sitting in a classroom when I can learn so much from going out to see what I am learning. That is decided. I might be finishing college online. What an interesting college experience I have had.

     As for my family, well my experience this week helped to ease that guilt. In my last blog I mentioned that my family came to see me for Christmas. What a blessing that was. I know that it was really hard on my brothers missing their traditional Christmas at home, and I understand that. A few years back we had a Christmas away from home, and although we still had a wonderful time, it was hard to be away from home for that time of the year. Knowing that, I did my best to make Christmas fun and exciting. Especially since I knew that this was all for me. There was no other reason for my family to come to Paris during Christmas except for me, and I am very grateful for that.

     During the week we did many things. On Monday (Christmas Eve) we went to the Modern Art Museum at the Pompidou. If you ever get a chance to come to Paris I recommend going to this museum. It is one of the best that I have ever seen, and I have had my fair share of museums. I love the mix of absolutely stunning pieces of work with the typical art that are often considered as “I could do that!” There is always something interesting here. Things that make you laugh and paintings that make you think. It is absolutely amazing.

There is nothing like family

     It was during this trip that I got to see the changes in my brother Ty. All my life I have known that Ty was different, and that difference has been labeled as autism. Lately his struggles have increased. Not only has his mind slowed down, but his aggression as increased. This developed right before I left for Paris, and it has been hard for me to live here while I know that my family is stressed with this at home. My parents are fighters, and they have been working with multiple methods to help Ty. This trip was the first time I had seen him in person for almost four months, and there is a huge difference! It was on this trip to the museum that we saw my brother laugh in a way that we have not seen in a long time. Seeing this made it a lot easier for me to not feel as guilty for leaving my family when I did.

     I’m sure you’re wondering what my French family was doing this whole time. They were involved in their own holiday celebrations with family, but it was strange on Christmas day was the time that my two worlds collided. Christmas morning was odd. Since we were kids my parents have played the song “Toyland” by Doris Day as we walked out to see our Christmas presents. Even after all this time, it doesn’t feel like Christmas without this song. It was bizarre to be in a foreign place for Christmas, with no tree and no snow, and hear this sweet Christmas song. Then of course there were no gifts for my family. I had gotten a few things to give them, but they had only brought things for me since they saw no point in hauling everything here if they were going to just haul it all back home.

I wouldn't have been able to do any of this
without my wonderful parents.

     The rest of the day was good. I had talked things over with Cecile and she decided that she would like to spend Christmas dinner with my family. So by midafternoon I made my way back to the apartment to pick up the kids for a little walk and visit with my family while Cecile and Alain got some rest. Here is where my life came together. Taking the kids out with my family was great. We went to the local Christmas market by Sacré-Cœur, and I was happy to find that my family was enchanted by these children that I had been caring for. We took them back to our apartment to make caramel popcorn to take back to their parents. We always make caramel popcorn with chocolate during the holidays so it was good that we were able to continue the tradition. Aimée was so smart and so helpful with her cooking skills that it blew away my whole family, especially my mom.

     Christmas dinner at the house was quite fun. It was great for me to show my family where I have been living all this time, and the great family I have been working for. It was nice to see that my new life fell right in patter with the life I came from.

     The day after Christmas was fun. The streets were still busy, and we went to another Christmas market. By this time my dad was over the Christmas markets, so we decided to go see a movie (The Hobbit of course!). Movie theaters in Paris are quite different from the States. First off they are expensive, then the seats are often all ground level, and the theaters are kept very warm. Thank goodness I found a good theater to take my family too, and we were able to have a nice time together.

Caramel popcorn. 

    There was a time or two that my work with the family would become more important, and I would need to leave my family to visit the city on their own. It was in those moments that I realized that I have grown up, and my life is going to be very different from now on. No more relying on my family, there are something’s that I will be doing on my own.

     The last day that my family was here was a bit hard for me. The day before I had sent my French family off on their skiing trip for a week, and the next morning I was walking my family to the train station so they could catch their flight back home. I have never felt more alone than on the walk back home. My French family was gone, the house was empty. Then my family was gone, on their way back home. How much my life has changed in the last four months, and I am not the same person who left Utah. It scares me sometimes to think of the person that I am turning into, and it’s hard to find a balance between who I was raised to be and what the world expects me to be. Yet, this journey and this adventure is what are shaping me, and I can become the person that I want to be. Yes, I am homesick, and there are times that I think about leaving it all and going back home. But I don’t let myself think about that for very long. It’s hard to be sad when you’re the happiest you have ever been. I am not sad that my family left, because I know I will see them again. I am so lucky that I got to see them this time.

Lights on the Champs-Élysées 

     There is one more question that I have wanted to address before I end this blog for the week. I know that I have talked a lot about Aimée and her mood swings, and even on occasion Daniel. Lately I have been asked if I think that Aimée is bipolar. My answer is no. She is not bipolar; she is a pre-teenager going through normal things that kids her age go through. No, she is not on any medication, and she shouldn’t be. There is no reason for a child her age (or any person any age) to find their happiness through pills. I am happy to ride out these roller-coasters of emotion with Aimée because I know that every time she loses her temper it gives me an opportunity to teach her new things about who she is and how she can be better. I love both these children, and would not trade who they are for anything.

     Tomorrow is New Year’s Eve. I wish all of you a wonderful new year. May this one be better than any of the years before.

Thank you! I miss you, I love you, and HAPPY NEW YEAR!